OKHIFO OMONOKHUA

OKHIFO OMONOKHUA DIED ON APRIL 19, 1999. May his gentle soul Rest In Peace forever! 

PREPARING CHILDREN FOR PARENTING

PREPARING CHILDREN FOR PARENTING

Cornelius Afebu Omonokhua

 

Some time ago, I received this sad and distress call. “Please Father, tell my wife that marriage is different from courtship.”  I was wondering whether my friend needed me to arrange another marriage course for them, after two years of marriage. Onfurther enquiring, the truth was very pathetic. When Andrew and Agnes were preparing for marriage, they enjoyed eating in restaurants, gardens and all kinds of expensive hotels. When Andrew visited Agnes during their courtship, it was the maids that always cooked and served the food. It did not occur to Andrew to request his wife to be, to cook a meal one day for them to eat. Even when Agnes visited Andrew in his house, he would enter the kitchen and prepare a favorite meal just to show how much he cherished and loved his future wife. The parents of Andrew were not materially rich but they were rich in influencing their child's social skills. Andrew’s infant activities were managed, monitored and regularly evaluated by his parents. Andrew’s domestic skills were patterned in accordance with the experiences of the parents who regularly interacted with the children. For Andrew’s parents the kitchen was not meant only for the girls. Both boys and girls cook in turns. This was how Andrew was exposed to the environment that shaped his life and behaviour. 

 

Agnes could not boil even water because she was not exposed to the culture of domestic work. The rich parents made life “comfortable” for her. All she was exposed to was read her books and enjoy her meals. The parents employed domestic workers who cook, do the children’s laundry and clean the house. Although Agnes made first class in European history, she completely lacks natural intelligence and traditional wisdom. Agnes’ parents expressed love to the children by telling them how much love they have for them. The parents played with the children, called them pet names, made sure they obeyed the bedtime routine and prayed with the children. They assured the children that they could depend on them for safety as long as they lived. They gave the children the impression that all they would need in life is already saved and stored. Although Agnes’ parents had time for the children and provided every material comfort, they failed to allow the children to grow to attain independence, success and authentic maturity. For Agnes’parents, work is punishment, child labour and child abuse. The children were not prepared to manage their homes in the future. The children got everything except training in home management and future parenting. The children also were deprived of leadership skills and the value of service. 

 

Good parenting includes the authority of the parents to elicit obedience and respect from the children. A good parent does not spare the rod to spoil the child. The parent must provide behavioral guidelines that would help the children in the future. Good parents know when to appreciate children and when to punish them. The challenges of the marriage between Andrew and Agnes reminds me of the Indian concept of growth, progress and success. The parents of Agnes made progress in growth but they were not successful in the Indian context. There aredifference between growth, progress and success. Growth is increase in business, money and material prosperity, but that is not success. If increase in material possessions is aided by ethics, that is progress. Growth plus ethics makes up progressbut that does not lead to success which is made up of progress, humanity, morality and spirituality. If you have billions of money in your account and you are not happy, you have just grown. Success includes stability, happiness, peace and progress in the things that provides abundant and fulfilled life.

 

In African context, success includes home training and traditional social etiquettes. Looking back to the African traditional culture, Alhaji Ishaq Kunle Sanni has this to say: “Until we go back to our traditional values and jettison Western immorality, through using our institution of learning and religious organizations especially at the early age we would never get it right. Ordinarily you should expect children to speak their local languages and dialects at home, but the pathetic situation is that some only understand the languages but hardly speak it. In the days of old, when you wake up in the morning, the first rule for the child is to go and prostrate for the parents as a mark of respect and they would pray for the child. Females were taught how to manage the home. They help with cooking and other domestic chores and works. Unfortunately, house helps now do that in many homes. The result is that you now have brides who are liabilities to their husbands because they don’t know how to cook. Many marriages have broken down when the untutored brides want to arm twist the husband to employ a house help.” Also a husband that lacks home training is a danger to the family stability. The wife and children are not safe under his brutality and failure. 

 

That a husband and wife refuse to separate even in the face of compatible incompatibility because of the children, reveals the best in a parent that believes in endurance. Many women refuse to divorce their husbands just for the sake of the children. They know that single parenting is not often the best option. The father and mother have a joint and divine responsibility to provide an enabling environment for the children to grow gracefully and have life in abundance. Father and Mother jointly need to spend time with the children with their energy, financial means, moral disposition and spirituality. This is a primary responsibility for the nuclear family. The contribution of the extended family to child formation is minimal especially now that some families live in fenced houses. The life of witness by the parents is absolutely imperative because children learn from what they see the parents do. Example is the best teacher for the children because they can easily inherit the character traits of the parents. This means that the parents must provide an enabling environment for the child to grow and be influenced positively. 

 

Parents, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged (Colossians 3:21). Do all that is humanly possible to promote the mental health of the child. Allow your children to learn your local language as this would make them grow in the categories that could assist them in emotional development. One of the steps to enslave a people is to take away their local language that best express their cultural and traditional values. The academic skills of the child are better formed when the child has a comparative culture. The crisis of democracy in African nations today is lack of African contextual governance. Trying to lead and govern any nation in foreign categories couldend in anarchy. Europe and America cannot succeed with African community system of governance just as the African nations are finding challenges in governing African nations with foreign system of democracy with colonized minds, attitudes and values. The parents of Agnes belonged to this class of colonized minds. The values of African hospitality, sacredness of life and care for the common good has given way to greed and selfishness. It has become difficult to manage governance in the spirit of African communal paradigm in many African countries. In preparing children for parenting, parents must never forget that these children are the leaders of tomorrow. For these children to become good leaders in the nation, they must first learn how to be managers of their individual homes (1 Timothy 3:4).

 

Rev. Fr. Cornelius Omonokhua is the Executive Secretary of Nigeria Inter-Religious Council (NIREC -nirec.ng@gmail.com) & The Secretary General of the West Africa Inter-Religious Council (WA-IRC – wairc.rfp@gmail.com).

 

LES PARENTS DE MON REVE

LES PARENTS DE MON RÊVE

 Cornelius Afebu Omonokhua

 

 Il était une fois, il était naturel que chaque enfant croie que l'homme le plus fort et le plus sage de la planète est son père.  Pour l'enfant, la meilleure cuisinière, attentionnée, aimante et la plus belle femme du monde est sa mère.  Pour un enfant, le père et la mère étaient des incarnations de la connaissance, de la sagesse et de tout ce qui est bon.  Pour chaque enfant, les parents sont les modèles de vertu et de caractère positif.  Je me souviens encore de cette chanson de mon père quand j'étais enfant.  «Afebu, mon enfant, parle comme moi, travaille comme moi, imite-moi et n'imite aucune personne perverse.» Ma mère me disait: «Mon fils, le travail ne tue pas.  Cela rend une personne forte.  La paresse est un décès qui affecte négativement la société et l’humanité tout entière.  Travaillez pour prendre soin de vous, de votre famille et de ceux qui pourraient avoir besoin de votre aide. »Voici le dicton de mon père qui est devenu pour moi un radar dans la vie:« Mon fils, peu importe comment vous tuez une fourmi, il doit y avoir  une note.  Peu importe où et comment tu te découvres demain;  Quelles que soient votre situation et votre position, laissez une marque de manière à ce que ceux qui viendront après vous sachent qu'une personne au contenu riche en caractères est déjà passée de cette façon.  Okhifo et Aleabu Veronica Omonokhua sont les parents de mon rêve.

 

 Je regarde vraiment en arrière avec nostalgie ces jours où les enfants n'étaient pas laissés à la maison aide en tant que parents de substitution.  Pouvons-nous encore récupérer ces jours où les parents avaient le temps d'être présents avec leurs enfants?  Pouvons-nous transformer le monde moderne de la télévision et des médias sociaux pour qu'il réponde aux normes de ces jours où l'enfant apprend et acquiert la sagesse des parents?  Pouvons-nous redécouvrir les jours de discipline lorsque les enfants font le bien contre récompense et évitent le mal par peur d'être punis?  Heureusement, beaucoup de parents riches qui ne veulent pas que leurs enfants souffrent aujourd'hui n'ont pas été élevés de la manière dont ils élèvent leurs enfants.  Donc, nous pouvons toujours bien faire les choses.  Les parents qui ont apprécié la parentalité traditionnelle au cours des étapes de croissance doivent comprendre qu'ils apprennent à travailler pour gagner leur vie afin de ne pas avoir les moyens de transformer leurs enfants en adultes paresseux?  Ces parents doivent savoir que même s'ils construisent des maisons pour les enfants, leur achètent des voitures et créent une richesse que les enfants n'auraient plus besoin de travailler pour gagner leur vie, la nature a son rôle à jouer dans la vie de tout être humain.  .  Il y a un sentiment de satisfaction et d'accomplissement dans le travail.  Saint Paul a écrit aux Thessaloniciens que ceux qui ne travaillent pas ne doivent pas manger (2 Thessaloniciens 3:10)

 

 Certains parents dans le passé et restent encore des héros de la parentalité.  Les parents aiment naturellement leurs enfants et veulent donner le meilleur à leurs enfants en orientant leur orientation vers des valeurs positives.  Les bons parents, même lorsqu'ils veulent les meilleures carrières pour leurs enfants, ne négligent pas la plus grande valeur d'atteindre le salut après la vie sur terre.  Les bons parents enseignent à leurs enfants et à la jeune génération la valeur de l'intégrité, comme Eléazar, l'un des plus éminents docteurs de la loi, un homme déjà avancé dans son âge et d'une apparence très noble qui a été forcé de manger de la chair de porc interdite.  Quand il a refusé, les responsables du banquet impie, en raison de leur longue amitié avec lui, l'ont pris à part et l'ont exhorté en privé à faire apporter de la viande qu'il pourrait bien utiliser, préparée par lui-même et ne faisant que prétendre en manger.  portions de viande de sacrifice tel que prescrit par le roi;  cette action pourrait lui permettre d'échapper à la mort en se servant d'un acte de gentillesse suscité par leur longue amitié.

 

 La réaction et la résilience de cet homme âgé de quatre-vingt-dix ans sont une leçon pour les parents qui sont prêts et désireux de compromettre la vertu et la vie humaine pour leur ambition et qui apprennent également à leurs enfants à se battre pour le pouvoir par tous les moyens sales.  Éléazar a pris une noble décision digne de ses années et de la dignité de son grand âge et de la distinction bien méritée de ses cheveux gris, digne également de sa conduite irréprochable depuis l'enfance et surtout de la sainte législation établie par Dieu lui-même.  a déclaré ses convictions, leur disant de l'envoyer immédiatement à Hadès.  Pour Eléazar, une telle prétention ne correspond pas à notre époque de la vie;  Beaucoup de jeunes penseraient qu’Eléazar, à l’âge de quatre-vingt-dix ans, s’était conformé au mode de vie des étrangers, et parce qu’il avait joué ce rôle pour une brève période de vie, il pourrait s’être égaré pour son compte.  Il a déclaré: «Je ne devrais apporter que souillure et disgrâce à mon grand âge.  Même si pour le moment j'évite les exécutions par des hommes, je ne peux jamais, vivant ou mort, échapper à l'emprise du Tout-Puissant.  Par conséquent, si je suis assez homme pour quitter cette vie ici et maintenant, je prouverai que je suis digne de mon âge et je laisserai aux jeunes un noble exemple de la façon de faire une bonne mort avec empressement et généreusement pour le vénérable et saint  lois (2 Maccabées 6: 18-31)

 

 Les parents de mon rêve respectent la dignité et la valeur de la vie sans compromettre l'honneur de la richesse et des choses de cette vie terrestre.  Les parents de mon rêve sont hospitaliers et courageux pour protéger les visiteurs comme l'ont fait mes parents pendant la guerre civile.  Les parents de mon rêve ne sont pas des fanatiques religieux comme mes grands-parents paternels et maternels qui aimaient les gens en raison de leur humanité et non de leur religion.  Le reportage de Hamza Idris et Yahaya Ibrahim du dimanche 27 janvier 2013 selon lequel le Shehu de Borno a appelé les sujets en fuite à revenir à Maiduguri révèle la nécessité de retrouver la tradition africaine de l'hospitalité.  Pour moi, le père royal est un modèle de ce que devrait être un père.  Son Altesse royale, Alhaji (Dr) Abubakar Ibn Umar Garbai Al-Amin El-Kanemi, Shehu de Borno et vice-président du Conseil suprême des affaires islamiques au Nigéria, a bien compris que la valeur de l'hospitalité, qui est la marque d'un véritable  père non seulement aux enfants biologiques mais à chaque personne humaine.  Selon la tradition Etsako, l'enfant appartient au monde.  Le Shehu a déclaré: «Si nous revenons au système d'administration traditionnel, une situation dans laquelle un étranger vient dans votre domaine, son premier point de contact est le palais du chef de village qui saura pourquoi il vient, en quoi consiste son métier,  pour combien de temps il resterait ou est-il venu pour rester en permanence?  Ceci est fait avant que le visiteur se voit attribuer un lieu de séjour et une terre à cultiver.  Si nous avons un registre où nous gardons toutes ces choses, vous saurez qui sont vos sujets.  Si de tels pouvoirs étaient conférés au chef de village et aux chefs de district, la plupart des problèmes seraient résolus.  Je pense que si nous pouvons remonter à cette époque, les choses augure bien. "

 Le vrai père africain valorise la vie humaine.  La valeur de l'argent est ce que l'argent peut acheter, mais il y a tellement de choses qui dépassent de loin la valeur monétaire.  En d'autres termes, l'argent ne peut pas tout acheter.  C'est pourquoi l'amour de l'argent est la racine de tout mal, de même que l'attachement aux choses matérielles est la plus stupide entreprise d'un parent.  Tout ne peut pas être donné en échange d'argent.  Les enfants sont des cadeaux de Dieu.  C'est pourquoi les enfants ne doivent pas être victimes de violence religieuse, communautaire ou ethnique.  Le parent moderne de mon rêve devrait être capable de contextualiser l'éducation, la religion et la technologie occidentales de telle manière que la modernité n'érode pas les enfants des valeurs de la communauté africaine.  Naturellement, être un «enfant africain», c'est aimer l'humanité, la communauté, l'hospitalité et le patriotisme.  Maintenant que mes parents biologiques reposent avec Dieu au paradis, je rêve d'un parent de paradigme qui enseignera aux enfants que «même si la langue et la tribu peuvent différer dans l'unité, nous en sommes» (Hymne national du Nigéria).  Je salue les parents qui ont transmis aux enfants la vertu d’amour du prochain qui sera récompensée par Dieu le dernier jour (cf. Matthieu 25:40; Coran 76: 8-9).

 

 Rév.  Cornelius Omonokhua est secrétaire exécutif du Conseil interreligieux du Nigéria (NIREC - nirec.ng@gmail.com) et secrétaire général du Conseil interreligieux de l'Afrique de l'Ouest (WA-IRC - wairc.rfp@gmail.com).

THE PARENTS OF MY DREAM

THE PARENTS OF MY DREAM

Cornelius Afebu Omonokhua

 

Once upon a time, it was natural for every child to believe that the strongest and wisest man on earth is his father. For the child, the best cook, caring, loving and most beautiful woman in the world is his mother. For a child the father and the mother were embodiments of knowledge, wisdom and everything that is good. For every child, parents are the models of virtue and positive character. I still remember this song of my father when I was a child. “Afebu, my child, talk like me, work like me, imitate me and do not imitate any evil person.” My mother would say to me: “My son, work does not kill. It makes a personstrong. Laziness is a decease that negatively affect the society and the entire humanity. Work to take care of yourself, your family and those who may need your assistance.” Here is the saying of my father that has become for me a radar in life: “My son, no matter how you kill an ant, there must be a mark. No matter where and how you discover yourself tomorrow; no matter your situation and position, leave behind a mark in a way and manner that those who will come after you will know that a person with rich contents of character once passed that way. Okhifo and Aleabu Veronica Omonokhua are the parents of my dream. 

 

I am really looking back with nostalgia to those days where children were not left for the house helps as surrogate parents. Can we still recover those days when parents had time to be present to their children? Can we transform the modern world of television and social media to meet the standards of those days when the child learns and gain wisdom from the parents? Can we rediscover the days of discipline when children do good for reward and avoid evil for fear of punishment? Fortunately, many rich parents who today do not want their children to suffer were not raised in the way and manner they are now raising their children. So we can still get it right. Parents who enjoyedtraditional parenting in the stages of growth must appreciate that they learn to work to earn a living so they cannot afford to turn their children to lazy adults? These parents ought to know that even if they build houses for the children, buy cars for them and create wealth that the children would not need to work to earn a living ever again, nature has its role to play in the life of every human being. There is a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment in labour. Saint Paul wrote to the Thessalonians that those who do not work should not eat (2 Thessalonians 3:10)

 

Some parents in the past and now still remain heroes of parenting. Parents naturally love their children and want to give the children the best by shaping their orientation towards positive values. Good parents even when they want the best careers for their children do not neglect the utmost value of attaining salvation after life on earth. Good parents teach their children and the young generation the value of integrity like Eleazar, one of the foremost teachers of the Law, a man already advanced in years and of most noble appearance who was forced to eat the forbidden pig flesh. When he refused, those in charge of the impious banquet, because of their long standing friendship with him, took him aside and privately urged him to have meat brought of a kind he could properly use, prepared by himself, and only pretend to eat the portions of sacrificial meat as prescribed by the king; this action could enable him to escape death, by availing himself of an act of kindness prompted by their long friendship. 

 

The response and resilience of this ninety years old man is a lesson to parents who are ready and willing to compromisevirtue and human life for their ambition and also teach their children to fight for power by all dirty means. Eleazar took a noble decision worthy of his years and the dignity of his great age and the well-earned distinction of his grey hairs, worthy too of his impeccable conduct from boyhood, and above all of the holy legislation established by God himself, he publicly stated his convictions, telling them to send him at once to Hades. For Eleazar, such pretence does not square with our time of life; many young people would suppose that Eleazar at the age of ninety had conformed to the foreigners’ way of life, and because he had played this part for the sake of a paltry brief spell of life might themselves be led astray on his account. He said: “I should only bring defilement and disgrace on my old age. Even though for the moment I avoid execution by men, I can never, living or dead, elude the grasp of Almighty. Therefore, If I am man enough to quit this life here and now I shall prove myself worthy of my age, and I shall have left the young a noble example of how to make a good death, eagerly and generously, for the venerable and holy laws (2 Maccabees 6:18-31)

 

The parents of my dream respect the dignity and value of life without compromising honour for wealth and the things of this earthly life. The parents of my dream are hospitable and courageous to protect visitors like my parents did during the civil war. The parents of my dream are not religious fanatics akin to my paternal and maternal grandparents who loved people based on their humanity and not religious affiliation. The report by Hamza Idris and Yahaya Ibrahim on Sunday, 27 January 2013 that the Shehu of Borno appealed to the fleeing subjects to return to Maiduguri reveals the need to recapture the African tradition of hospitality. For me, the Royal father is a model of what a father should be. His Royal Highness, Alhaji (Dr) Abubakar Ibn Umar Garbai Al- Amin El-Kanemi, the Shehu of Borno and Deputy President General of the Supreme Council of Islamic Affairs in Nigeria captured the fact that the value of hospitality which is the mark of a true father not only to the biological children but to every human person. According to Etsako tradition, the child belongs to the world. The Shehu said: “If we go back to the traditional system of administration, a situation whereby a stranger comes to your domain, his first port of call is the palace of the village head who will know why he comes, what his occupation is, for how long he would stay or has he come to stay permanently? This is done before the visitor is allocated a place to stay and a land to farm. If we have a register that we keep all these things, you would know who your subjects are. If such powers were given to the village head, and district heads, most of the challenges will be over. I feel if we can go back to that era, things will augur well.” 

The true African father values human life. The value of money is what money can buy but there are so many things that are far above monetary value. In other words, money cannot buyeverything. This is why the love of money is the root of all evil just as the attachment to material things is the most stupid venture of a parent. Not everything can be given in exchange for money. Children are gifts from God. This is why children must not be allowed to be victims of religious, communal, and ethnic violence. The modern parent of my dream should be able to contextualize Western education, religion and technology in a way and manner that modernity does not erode from the children the values Africa community. Naturally, to be an “African Child” is to love humanity, community, hospitality and patriotism. Now that my biological parents are resting with God in heaven, I am dreaming of a paradigm parent who will teach the children that “though tongue and tribe may differ in unity we stand” (Nigeria National Anthem).  I salute the parents who have impart on the children the virtue of love of neighbour that will be rewarded by God on the last day (cf. Matthew 25:40; Qur’an 76:8-9). 

 

Rev. Fr. Cornelius Omonokhua is the Executive Secretary of Nigeria Inter-Religious Council (NIREC -nirec.ng@gmail.com) & The Secretary General of the West Africa Inter-Religious Council (WA-IRC – wairc.rfp@gmail.com).